ZOMBIE!
by YarnNerd
Summary: One Shot! One morning INSANITY BREAKS OUT! Remus, Harry, and Hermione deal with CRAYONS and... a ZOMBIE! Emotions run high! O.o! Based on a weird dream. BE WARNED FOR EXTREME INSANITY AND MADNESS! BEWARE! Part 2 Added!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN CRAYOLA OR HARRY POTTER! THIS IS BASED ON A WEIRD DREAM! DO NOT BECOME OFFENDED BY IT IN ANY WAY! If you're gonna criticize say it nicely. Don't be rude! This is my first Harry Potter Dream I bothered to put on Tell me if it was funny or stupid or just plain creepy please! Now on with the story!

...............ZOMBIES!............

It was summer and Harry was at The Order of The Phoenix's headquarters. His sixth year in Hogwarts would start in a week. Ron was upstairs playing Exploding Snap with the twins. Harry was still groggy from staying all night torturing the portrait of Sirius' mother. It actually was a bit fun.

Harry was in the kitchen eating some dry toast that Hermione had made for him. She at the moment was making eggs. Hermione had an odd past time. Cooking.

Remus walked in, he had stayed up all night helping him torture Sirius' mother and was obviously sleepy too.

"Ug?" Harry asked.

"Ug," Remus replied.

Hermione raised an eyebrow at this.

"Ug… mmmmmmmnnnnnnn," Harry moaned.

Remus nodded. "Mnnnnn."

Hermione just stared worriedly at both of them.

A nasty disgusting smell entered the room…

Remus suddenly became wide awake, "What the hell is that smell?!"

Apparently it had the same affect on Harry, "I don't know."

"Eww! Was that you Remus?!" Hermione said waving her hand in front of her nose.

The kitchen door slowly creaked opened… and in popped a… ZOMBIE!

"OH MY GOD A ZOMBIE!" Remus yelled as he grabbed his coat.

Amazingly enough that ZOMBIE was SIRIUS! O.o!

Harry yelled, "IT'S SIRIUS THE ZOMBIE!"

"OH GOD!" screamed Hermione. "YOU CAN'T FIGHT ZOMBIES WITH MAGIC!"

"You fight ZOMBIES with CRAYONS!" Remus began laughing insanely as he pulled out a box of crayons out of his coat.

Sirius the ZOMBIE yelled, "OH NO! CRAYONS! I mean uh… arggggggggggggggggg!!"

"OH NO! IT'S AN EDUCATED ZOMBIE!" Harry yelled and began crying.

"Why are you crying?" Hermione asked as she gave her friend a hug.

"Because that means I can't try to kill it with the crayon," Harry wailed as the crayon in his hand broke.

"SIRIUS!" Remus yelled as he tackled his friend. "You realize you smell like a decaying dead thingy, right?"

"Uh… I'm a ZOMBIE, what did you expect?" Sirius the ZOMBIE said. "Aren't you gonna attack me with crayons?"

"Nooooooooooooooo," Remus said with a very evil looking smile.

"Professor Lupin, it's illegal to rape ZOMBIES!" Hermione announced.

Remus frowned, "I didn't say I was gonna rape the ZOMBIE. Why would I do that?"

"You're not?" Sirius the ZOMBIE looked very sad.

"No, I'm not gonna rape you, I'm gonna have sex with you!" Remus had a stupid smile on his face.

"But that's just about the same thing!" Harry yelled. "I WANT TO KILL THE ZOMBIE WITH CRAYONS!"

That comment made Sirius the ZOMBIE look unhappier. "It's bad enough that I'm a dead thingy and I smell like a rotting thingy but now Harry doesn't love me!" He started crying.

"You'll have to forgive Harry," Hermione said. "He's been on something since Cho broke up with him."

"I RESENT THAT!" Harry yelled.

Sirius the ZOMBIE kept on crying, "I don't wanna get attacked by my godson with CRAYONS!"

Remus hugged him, "It'll be okay. I won't let him get you with crayons."

"Hold me," Sirius the ZOMBIE said clinging onto Remus like a four year old.

"NO GAY SEX IN THE KITCHEN!" Hermione roared.

Sirius the ZOMBIE and Remus stared at her like she was insane.

"What? That's been a rule since Dumbledore stuck us all here," Hermione said. She pointed at a sign.

The sign read:

Kitchen Rules:

ABSOLUTELY NO SEX OF ANY KIND!

NO PAPERCLIPS!

NO KITTENS!

DON'T PEE IN THE POOL!

NO TOILETS!

ALL POTATOES MUST BE NON-MAGICAL!

NO LIVE UTENSILS!

NO STRIPING!

NO MUSIC!!!!!!!

NO DANCING SOCKS!

AND ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NO ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION!!!!!!!!

"I never noticed that," Remus said.

"Me too," Sirius the ZOMBIE said. "And to think I used to live here."

"Used to?" asked Remus.

"Well… technically since I am adead thingyI don't have to live here. I actually live on Pluto!" Sirius the ZOMBIE smiled proudly.

"Can I go visit you? I've always wanted to go to PLUTO!" Hermione said.

"No little boys allowed," Sirius the ZOMBIE said.

"I'm a girl!" Hermione yelled.

"Are you sure?" Harry asked.

Hermione looked down her pants, "Yup!"

"Okay," Sirius the ZOMBIE said. "But you have to be a ZOMBIE!"

"But I'm not a ZOMBIE!" Hermione looked sad.

"I guess that means I can't go either," Harry said looking sad.

"Well… I could eat your brains and turn you into ZOMBIES," Sirius the ZOMBIE said with a smile. He smugly said, "Braaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnns!"

"No thank you," Hermione said. "It just so happens that I like my brain!"

"I like my brain too," Harry said pointing to his head.

"I don't!" Remus said waving his hand around. "PICK ME!"

"But you're a werewolf, you can't be a ZOMBIE werewolf, it wouldn't make any sense," Sirius the ZOMBIE said.

Remus started crying.

Harry and Hermione stared.

"I WANNA BE A ZOMBIE!" Remus screamed. It echoed throughout the house.

All the sudden Snape leaped in holding a CRAYON RAY GUN!

"DID I HEAR ZOMBIE?!" He looked around and gasped as he saw Sirius the ZOMBIE! "GO TO PLUTO ZOMBIE!" Snape screamed as he zapped Sirius the ZOMBIE with his CRAYON RAY GUN.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Remus and Sirius the ZOMBIE yelled.

In a big Crayola Colorful Cloud of smoke Sirius the ZOMBIE went POOF and disappeared back to Pluto.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Remus continued yelling.

Snape slapped Remus, "SHUT UP! I need to make my victory speech!"

Remus glared, "HE WASN'T AN EVIL UNEDUCATED ZOMBIE! HE WAS SIRIUS THE ZOMBIE!" he yelled.

"Oops," Snape said.

Remus let out a low growl.

"I think you should start running now Professor," Harry whispered.

Snape ran out the door followed by a very pissed werewolf. Snape wasn't seen again until months later. He was found babbling about Crayons.

………….ZOMBIES………….

I know it was insane and stupid. I have weird dreams. I figured I'd stick it here just for the fun of it. BE WARNED THIS WAS WRITTEN AT 11:00 AT NIGHT! O.o! I AM SO ZONED OUT RIGHT NOW!

Sirius the ZOMBIE: SHE IS ACTING LIKE A ZOMBIE!

Silent Eyes: (frowning) I am not a ZOMBIE.

Sirius the ZOMBIE: Yes you are.

Snape: ZOMBIES!!!! (Zaps both with CRAYON RAY GUN)

Silent Eyes and Sirius the ZOMBIE disappear in big Crayola Colorful Cloud of smoke.

AT PLUTO…

Silent Eyes: Uhh… I guess that means I am a ZOMBIE.

Sirius the ZOMBIE: I TOLD YOU SO!

Silent Eyes: O.o Whatever.


	2. ZOMBIE! Reloaded

Summary: Hey guy, Sirius the Zombie and The Crayon Ray Guns are BACK! Find out why Moody is always screaming CONSTANT VIGILANCE, what Voldemort's favorite cartoon is, and what Sirius fears the most. You will also discover that SNAPE WEARS SOCKS! OMG! THE PURE RATED G HORROR!

BTW: I GOT THE INTERNET BACK! WHOOOT!

At some Place on PLUTO!

Sirius the ZOMBIE climbed into the spaceship with a CD player and headphones. "BYE DUDES!" he yelled and closed the hatch behind him.

Sirius the ZOMBIE buckled up with the spaceship-thing-seat-belt-thingy and put the headphones on.

"5! 4! 3! 2! 1! BLASTOFF!" said a freaky voice who sounded oddly like Mickey Mouse.

The spaceship lurched forwards as Sirius the ZOMBIE pressed the play button on the CD player.

The Elton John "Rocket Man" song came on loudly.

By the time the song finished Sirius the ZOMBIE was halfway to Earth.

Meanwhile….

"CHARGE!" Dumbledore yelled as the OOTP members attacked a bunch of Death Eaters.

Voldemort laughed, "YOU WILL ALL DIE! I WILL PROVE IT!" and then he killed some random guy (who was actually a death eater).

"STUPLEFY!" Harry yelled at a Death Eater. He accidentally hit Ginny who went flying into the air and squished a Death Eater. "I guess that works," he said as he shrugged.

Suddenly a loud roar came from the sky.

"OH NO! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!" Voldemort yelled. "I WANTED TO START THE END OF THE WORLD! NO FAIR!"

And then a spaceship crashed into the ground squishing a few Death Eaters. After the dust settled from the impact that had shaken everyone off their feet the hatch opened. A strange smell hit them like an egg to a car window.

"WHO FARTED!" Voldemort roared. "REMUS WAS THAT YOU!" he yelled at the werewolf.

"WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS THINK I FARTED!" Remus yelled and sobbed into a Death Eater's robes.

"Stop whining and GET OFF ME!" the Death Eater said.

Then a figure drunkenly crawled out of the hatch and fell down unceremoniously on the ground.

"I'm so DIZZY! When will the ground stop moving?" the unidentified freaky organism (UFO) said.

The smell had gotten worse. It was so bad that Narcissa Malfoy and Molly Weasely and a few other people fell over in a faint.

"SIRIUS!" Remus yelled. "I KNEW I RECOGNIZED THAT STENCH!" Remus ran over and hugged the figure who had now been identified as Sirius the ZOMBIE!

"NO! SIRIUS IS A ZOMBIE! HE IS AN EVILNESS!" Snape yelled. "Also he smells really bad."

"YOU CAN'T FIGHT ZOMBIES WITH MAGIC!" Hermione yelled.

"Yeah, didn't we make that clear last time?" Harry asked.

Sirius the ZOMBIE got up. "Hi guys! I'm back from Pluto! And I got a CD player!" He showed a CD Player that had SPONGEBOB ALL OVER IT!

"OHMIGOD! IT'S SPONGEBOB! I LOVE SPONGEBOB!" Voldemort said. "GIVE IT TO ME!"

"GASP! IT'S HE MOLDYSHORTS! NO! YOU WILL NEVER GET IT FROM ME! SPONGEBOB IS MINE!" Sirius the ZOMBIE said as he hugged the CD player.

"SIRIUS! What have I told you about aggravating _EVIL_ DARK LORDS!" Remus said. "Be nice and share."

"But I don't wanna," Sirius the ZOMBIE said.

"Is it me or has everyone gone mad?" Moody asked. "SIRIUS IS A ZOMBIE! HE MUST BE DESTROYED WITH THE CRAYONS OF MOUNT DOOM!"

"Sirius is a Zombie with a brain!" Remus said to Moody. "Just any ordinary crayons can't send him back to Pluto. They have to be the expensive kind or you have to use a CRAYON RAY GUN (which shoots out several thousand shades of blue as well as other colors). Also, this isn't supposed to be a HP/LOTR Crossover, so you can't go get the crayons from Mount Doom."

"Oh, with all these different fanfics I get confused OKAY!" Moody yelled.

"Oh, I HAVE A BRAIN!" Sirius the ZOMBIE said randomly.

"If only he used it," Remus sighed.

"GIVE ME YOUR CD PLAYER!" Voldemort yelled at Sirius.

"NEVER!" Sirius said. He grabbed Harry by the legs and threw him on Voldemort.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Harry yelled as he hit Voldemort in the chest.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Voldemort yelled as a teenager hit him in the chest and knocked him over into the bird bath that was conveniently behind him. Harry's weight kept Voldemort from behind able to get up and he drowned in the bird bath.

"OH NO! I DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL HIM!" Harry said as Voldemort's limp body fell over as useless as used floss. "I DON'T WANNA BE A MURDER!"

"Well, party's over," said one of the Death Eaters glumly, and all the Death Eaters apparated away (except for the dead ones because they're dead ya know).

"VOLDEMORT IS DEAD!" Dumbledore yelled. "HARRY YOU DID IT!"

"But… all I did was get flung at him," Harry said.

"Didn't you know? The best way to defeat an EVIL WIZARD is to squish them with your own body," Dumbledore said.

"That sounds… disturbing," Harry said.

"EXACTLY!" Dumbledore said.

"ZOMBIE!" Moody said. "SIRIUS IS A ZOMBIE!"

"I say we use my SUPER-COOL-MEGA-AWESOME-CRAYON-RAY-GUN-THINGY to send him back to PLUTO!" Snape said.

"OoOoOoO!" Moody said. "I'm impressed! You have a SUPER-COOL-MEGA-AWESOME-CRAYON-RAY-GUN-THINGY! All I got is a NOT-SO-SUPER-COOL-MEGA-AWESOME-YET-STILL-SUPER-COOL-MEGA-AWESOME-CRAYON-WATER-GUN-THINGAMAGIG! To handle it you must have CONSTANT VIGILLANCE! That's why I say that so much. I read the instruction manual a couple hundred times. It's forever imprinted in my mind."

Sirius the ZOMBIE wailed into Remus' robes. "I DON'T WANNA GO TO PLUTO!"

"I DO!" Remus said.

"But you're not a zombie; I thought we already went over this!" Sirius the ZOMBIE said.

"I WANNA BE A ZOMBIE!" Remus yelled.

"BUT A WEREWOLF ZOMBIE WOULDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!" Sirius the ZOMBIE exclaimed. "It's as crazy as what you did when we snuck out during 6th year to go to Hogsmead to—"

"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!" Remus screamed and covered Sirius the ZOMBIE'S mouth.

"Oh, in that case I'll tell them all the details," Sirius the ZOMBIE said as he removed Remus' fingers out of his mouth.

"You wouldn't," Remus growled.

"I would," Sirius the ZOMBIE said. "It started when we were in our sixth year at Hogwarts. We were going to celebrate a hugely successful prank involving the tablecloth at the teacher's table in The Great Hall to attack the teachers. Moony thought it would be a good idea to—"

"BAD ZOMBIE!" Remus screamed. "TIME OUT FOR YOU MISTER!" He grabbed Moody's NOT-SO-SUPER-COOL-MEGA-AWESOME-YET-STILL-SUPER-COOL-MEGA-AWESOME-CRAYON-WATER-GUN-THINGAMAGIG and pointed it at Sirius the ZOMBIE.

"GASP! REMUS DON'T!" Moody yelled.

"YEAH WHAT HE SAID!" Sirius the ZOMBIE screamed.

Remus looked at the confusing looking NOT-SO-SUPER-COOL-MEGA-AWESOME-YET-STILL-SUPER-COOL-MEGA-AWESOME-CRAYON-WATER-GUN-THINGAMAGIG and pressed a random button.

A pound of socks suddenly flung themselves at Sirius the ZOMBIE!

"AHHHHH! SOCKS! THEY ARE MY GREATEST FEAR! SOCKS!" Sirius the ZOMBIE yelled as he ran in circles. He paused to smell them, "OH MY GOD THEY ARE SNAPE'S SOCKS! THAT'S LIKE 10 TIMES SCARRIER TO THE SECOND DEGREE!"

Remus stared and looked kinda like this: 0.0

"I didn't know Snape wore socks," Hermione said. "Then again I didn't know if he didn't wear socks either. He just doesn't seem like a sock wearing kinda guy."

"Well, you get blisters if you wear shoes and no socks," Harry said. "I can't imagine him barefooted either."

"SEND THEM AWAY!" Sirius the ZOMBIE screamed in PURE TERROR!

"Uhh, I'll try," Remus said hesitantly. As he pushed another button on the NOT-SO-SUPER-COOL-MEGA-AWESOME-YET-STILL-SUPER-COOL-MEGA-AWESOME-CRAYON-WATER-GUN-THINGAMAGIG (which shall now be referred to as a NSSCMAYSSCMACWGT) a huge Patronus-like being exploded out. The only difference between this thing and any other Patronus was it was rainbow colored. It looked like it had been Tie-Dyed. It happened to be Sponge-Bob.

"SPONGEBOB I LOVE YOU!" Sirius the ZOMBIE screamed. "SAVE MY FROM THE SOCKS!"

"You don't love me anymore?" Remus whimpered as Sirius the ZOMBIE raced to hug Sponge Bob.

"SIRIUS DON'T! IT'S A SPONGEBOB CRAYON!" Harry yelled.

Sirius the ZOMBIE didn't listen and hugged the Tie-Dyed Sponge Bob. In a large Crayola Colorful Cloud of Crayola Colorful Cloudy-ness Sirius the ZOMBIE and Sponge Bob disappeared with a Crayola Colorful POP.

"DAMN YOU SPONGEBOB! I SHALL SEEK MY REVENGE!" Remus yelled. "I DIDN'T WANT TO SEND HIM BACK TO PLUTO YET!" He threw Moody's NSSCMAYSSCMACWGT on the ground. (I bet whoever is reading this is having trouble pronouncing NSSCMAYSSCMACWGT. FYI: Don't try it. It'll drive you insane, and if you're already insane you shall be even MORE insane!) "STUPID NSSCMAYSSCMACWGT!"

At Pluto…

"Back so soon?" THE Overlord of the Zombies of Pluto (aka author of this insane story) asked Sirius.

"SOCKS!" Sirius the ZOMBIE yelled. He just noticed there was a sock stuck in his tangled up hair. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AM I THE ONLY SANE ONE HERE!" THE Overlord of the Zombies of Pluto screamed at a large mass wild moose trampled her. "AHHHH!" After the moose had ran off somewhere THE Overlord of the Zombies of Pluto muttered, "I will kill whoever put this moose stampede here!"

A figure in the shadows laughed like a hyena.

"Lord of the Fish, HOW DARE YOU SEND A LARGE STAMPEDE OF MOOSE TO TRAMPLE ME!"

The Lord of the Fish (aka the person whose stuff I edit before it goes on stepped out of the shadows, pulled off one of her wristbands on her wrist, and shot it like a rubber band directly into The Overlord of the Zombie's eye!

"AUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" The Overlord of the Zombies of Pluto screamed. She stumbled around blindly before falling into the spaghetti closet. Yes people, there is a spaghetti closet on Pluto.

The Lord of the Fish then calmly locked the door. "REVENGE IS MINE!" The Lord of the Fish screamed. Then she clapped her hands and yelled "SHAZAAM!" and in a poof of smoke (not Crayola Colorful Cloud of Smoke) she was gone.

"Hello? HELLOOOOO! Somebody let me out! It's dark and I'm hungry!" The Overlord of the Zombies of Pluto yelled. "I DON'T WANT TO GET OUT USING THE VENTS AGAIN! WHY DO I ALWAYS GET LOCKED IN A CLOSET!"

Sirius the ZOMBIE was rocking back and forth in a fetal position. "You will die you demonic sock," he hissed and then he screeched as he grabbed a mallet and began trying to demolish Snape's Sock.

_EPILOGUE! This came to me randomly while I was bored and I just had to stick it in here! I just love torturing Snape. It's fun! _

At Hogwarts…

Snape was in his bedroom; he opened a drawer and was stunned to see HIS SOCKS WERE MISSING!

"NO! MY SOCKS! I NEED THEM! OTHERWISE MY SHOES GIVE ME BLISTERS THE SIZE OF ALASKA!" Snape yelled. "I DON'T KNOW ANY POTION STRONG ENOUGH TO CURE MY BLISTERS!"

Snape yanked out the drawer to find a small yellow piece of paper.

"What's this?" Snape asked himself as he picked it up.

On the Paper it said…

Snape,

I need your socks for my N.S.S.C.M.A.Y.S.S.C.M.A.C.W.G.T. You're a potions master; you don't really need socks anyways. Hope you don't mind. Remember like it says in the instructions, CONSTANT VILIGANCE!

-Moody

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Snape screamed.

The paper fell to the ground and did a flip in the air. On the back it said, "And they all lived happily ever after, THE END!"

Notes: WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE! YELLOW SUBMARINE! YELLOW SUBMARINE!

The word of the day is: Electronical! It's not really a word, but its fun to say!

Reason for writing this: I was bored. I needed to focus my insanity on something. Maybe someday there will be a part 3. Who knows? Until then, MUSTARD BOTTLE!

-Koala the Overlord of the Zombies on Pluto aka Lidi aka Lily aka ASSASSIN!


End file.
